Thursday, April 16, 2015

Weekly schlock and awful!

The interwebs have given me another “horror” movie to view. There is a lot of positive buzz around the film…a film made in 2006, but not released until 2013. Wait! What?! This sounds sketchy already. Oh well here goes……
All the Boys Love Mandy Lane.
Mandy Lane is a quiet yet fairly hot high school sophomore. It seems that she is permanently single and makes all other teenage boys want her. Now this is not by her doing. See, in the school she attends all the boys have more sex drive hormones than usual and are all just steps away from being serial date rapers. The majority of the boys want to get in Mandy’s pants and be the first to deflower her.

Now we jump to a pool party at random cool guy’s house. He tries to impress Mandy by punching her male buddy (who is in the friend zone and the only boy not to be constantly cat calling Mandy) Emmet and then doing a sweet flip off the roof into the pool. Well that becomes a very Damien/Omen moment for the crowd. Why does this matter? Well it leads to Mandy and Emmet not being friends and Mandy joining the cool girls the next year.
Party foul?
Now Mandy, two other girls and three guys (who have forgettable names and roles) all head to a secluded ranch for a party weekend. The only other person around is the ranch hand Garth. During said party people start disappearing and dying. Why does the killing start? Is it revenge or just stalker sexy-time hormones that Mandy exudes that is driving this creeper?
Well thank you interweb for giving me another pile of drek! Holy crap why did this movie get so much praise? It is damn awful!
The first problem is that this film is soooooooooo slow! It takes forever for anything to happen. There is easily 45 minutes of drek before someone has a horrible incident. Now if this was spent on character development or  plot then it would be ok. Instead time is spent on a group of just horrible characters ingesting more booze and drugs than an 80’s hairband backstage after party. Well there is also a liberal amount of the guys vying for Mandy’s attention while also trying to sex up the other two girls. All this just time with these people just made me want them to get killed off so I wouldn’t have to spend more time listening and watching them do nothing. Seriously how do these people get so much booze, pot, mushrooms, and every snortable (not a word, but should be!) substance out there? These kids do everything but shoot heroin and huff paint.
Then we get to the villain/slasher/stalker. This person random grabs people and does a bit of quasi-torture and some slow killing. This is drug out like the rest of the film. What is even worse is that you can guess who this person is and what his motivation is. Even worse is the lack of suspense with the killer and the victims. This is just gods awful stuff!

Why do all the boys want/love Mandy Lane? Well she is attractive, but so is every other girl shown in this school and at the sexy party ranch. She likes to run since they show her doing this twice, so she likes that kind of exercise? That is a thing right? I guess she is the only virgin around and that makes her desirable and all the other girls worthless? If there was something special, besides a cute girl who doesn’t put-out, then I missed it. So why does every guy go all creepy and date rapey around her? Guess all the other girls have HPV or herpes in this school.
Hey! There is Garth the ranch hand and only adult in a 50 mile radius. He must be the hero, or is he the creepy villain? Well let me spoil this and say he is neither. He muddles about like a powerless baby sitter. He warns about calling the adults on the party teens, but doesn’t. He has a gun, but is only adept at shooting snakes in the pond. He was a soldier, but fails when it comes to combat. What the frak is going on with this boner?
Instead of a hero we get another useless flat character to just get in the way and act as a red herring for like five minutes.
Then there is the killer. The killer with…well no known motivation besides, a general feeling of why not? The killer that should surprise nobody when it is revealed. This is a complete waste of time here too. There are no fun or elaborate deaths that usually inhabit slasher flicks. They could have just had the killer walk into the house blast away at everyone and then roll credits. At least it would have ended the movie faster.
There is even a super fun twist ending. Well, instead of super fun I should say poorly executed confusing and left open for (unwanted) interpretation by the viewer. This was another moment where there could have been a touch of genius and instead we get a big fat stinker! There is no explanation for this twist and that was another waste. This whole damn film is a waste!
I’m not sure why this movie is getting good reviews from people. Are standards for slashers set so low? Is Amber Heard so hot that people overlook the lack of story, character and fun in this film? If this was mass produced like the slashers made in the late 70’s-early 80’s I could be more forgiving. However, it wasn’t and is nowhere near as fun as many of them! Whomever compared it to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, should be beaten about the head, neck and chest. Seriously!? How?! I do not understand the hype surrounding this film. It was a terrible, slow, unrewarding, poorly acted, and bottom barrel slasher film. There was a reason that this was shelved for 7 years and should have stayed on the self. It sucks and blows all at the same time!
This boy wants Mandy Lane…to go away! She is not worth the time.

Well...Amber Heard can stay I guess, but that movie was turd.

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