Weekly schlock and awful movie time!

Alright time to try some horror from New Zealand. This is another film with a positive bit of buzz behind it. Maybe this will actually pay off unlike the last film with a lot of positive reviews.

Here is Housebound.

Meet Kylie a petty crook because she looks and acts like a meth/crack head. After a failed attempt at robbing a bank machine she is put under house arrest. Better than prison right? Well unless the house is comes with your annoying mom and ever silent step-father. Not only that but she has to deal with a social worker/therapist and has various dealings with the security guard that clamped on her home prisoner ankle bracelet. Still better than prison right? Well not if your home arrest involves a haunted house. Yup. The house is haunted and Kylie and Amos (the security guard and amateur ghost hunter) are on the case. This of course comes with the typical haunted house movie jump scares, noises and associated mystery into what/why the house is haunted. If that isn’t enough there is a creepy neighbor and a twist that turns this from a typical haunted house film into something entirely different.

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This doesn’t sound half bad now does it? Like a big house arrest version of Scooby-Doo.

Well it was anything but that and the Scooby- Doo adventure would have been more satisfying.

Here comes a "creepy" jump scare!

Housebound is touted as horror and comedy. There is absolutely nothing scary about this movie. There are two jump scares you can see coming from miles away. That is it. There is nothing horrifying here either. There are no buckets of blood, monsters, gore, death and or destruction. If ambient noise, mysterious phone ringing and creaks are scary then I guess that is horror. Right? Seriously, who could be scarred of this movie? Next is the comedy bit. There is nothing funny here either. Not a single laugh, giggle, chuckle or twitter was made during this film. How is this funny? What are people laughing at? Was it the Home Alone level of violence in three scenes? Was that the funny bit? The scene with Kylie on the toilet? Was that the funny bit? I am completely lost as to why this movie is scary, horror or comedy? If anything it is non-thrilling thriller and that is about it.

Get ready for a whole lot of this! A terrible daughter being terrible to her mom.

Then there are the characters. Holy crap snacks are they drek! Kylie’s mom is a non-stop prattle and whining machine. Just a giant pile of annoyance. The step father is just…well nothing. I think he has a maybe three lines. He is a non-factor. Kylie is just plain horrible. She is a terrible character and treats her mom like complete shit. It doesn’t help that she is a real bitch either. I am supposed to cheer for her? She is awful to everyone around her. After ten minutes watching this character I was hoping she was going to die. Amos the security guy ,and junior Ghostbuster, wasn’t horrible. I just didn’t care about him or whatever it was he was doing.

Then there is the story. Alright this is a haunted house tale. No wait…it is a crime story. Now wait….it is a revenge ghost story. Nope it is still a crime story. Now it is a thriller without a ghost, but with a crime and maybe a ghost. Wait! It is trying to be a thriller dark comedy? Now there is a stupid twist. It has no idea what it wants to be!

This movie is all over the place and takes forever to get to the point. This movie is just over 90 minutes, but it feels so much longer. Maybe it is because it moves so slow and it takes forever for events to unfold. By the time it got to the point I just didn’t care. Why has this gotten so much praise? Why is it funny? Do you have to be from New Zealand to get the jokes? Why is this horror? I still have no damn idea!

Sweet Elixir of Life!! You know what this movie really is? It is a different take (or a New Zealand version) on Bad Ronald. Bad Ronald! A different version of Bad Ronald! NO!!

There you have it, now stay the Hell away from it! Go waste 106 minutes doing anything else. You’ll thank me for it.