Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Ugh! Warcraft review.

Best video game movie ever! Is a phrase you can use for the Warcraft movie. At the same time that puts this movie in contention with: Super Mario Bros., Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, Tomb Raider, House of the Dead, Doom, Silent Hill, Max Payne, Hitman, Prince of Persia, Resident Evil series, and gods know how many more I have forgotten to list. They are all universally panned and terrible. So saying this is the best video game movie ever, has no weight or merit behind it.

If video game movies are giant pile of shite. Then Warcraft is the best smelling turd in the pile.

Alright Warcraft. The film based off the real time strategy game that lead to the online RPG. Yeah this not a World of Warcraft movie. This is Warcraft movie that is laying the foundation for a World of Warcraft movie.

The orc homeworld, Draenor, is dying and they need a new place to live. Along comes Gul’ Dan, an evil orc warlock, who opens a portal to the happy shiny world of Azeroth. Here the orcs look to quickly conquer the inhabitants and then re-open a portal to bring all their buddies through to live fight and breed. Well that is unless a plucky band of humans, well really three guys, can find and stop them from doing this.

That is the gist of the plot. Pretty simple right. Well yes and no.

See there is also a story about a ½ orc-human female who is being drug around a prisoner, sex object or what not. There is the whole bit about the Fel, the evil green energy that Gul’Dan uses to make magic and orc power happen, that is making orcs crazy and bad.  There is a Moses story. There is a buddy cop-like adventure. There is the whole Sauron in his tower story. There is a sweeping fantasy adventure tale. There is the whole personal crisis tale with the orc chief Durotan as he wants to save his people, but can’t, or can he? There is an attempt at a mystery that is Scooby-Doo level bad. There is a revenge tale. There is the minor and major fantasy battles. We get some daddy issues with the whole son trying to prove himself with dire consequences. I think that was all the story elements that were crammed into this  movie, but I am probably forgetting some. Yeah there is a lot going on and not enough time given to properly make any of these story arcs descent.  Well, maybe if this movie was four hours.

The plot is drek. It is. The whole back story of Azeroth is a damn mess. It is. I get what they are trying for with this movie. They want an intro into a three act or more franchise. That will probably not be happening after this egg was laid. The pacing is all over the place either too slow with an attempt at world building and trumped up drama. It then is also too fast as we are whisked from locale to locale throughout Azeroth to meet new people to not care about.

There are too many damn characters. None of them have enough time to become established or for me to give a damn about. Even when there is time for character development, or an event that is supposed to shape somebody it falls flat. Did anyone care when Lothar’s son died? No. We saw it coming a mile away and had no connection to him. Was it a shock when the real bad guy was revealed. Nope. Did anyone care that the king was killed? Nope. The event had no weight behind it. Was it sad when Durotan buys the farm? Not really. He was a C.G.I. monster and even though he was the most developed (using most developed very loosely here) it didn’t make me feel anything besides meh!. Was there any feeling for the orcs that weren’t kill crazy and just wanted to live free? Nope. Was there concern for Khadgar and whatever the Hell it was that he was doing? Nope. Did anyone care about Medivh’s issues? No way. Did anyone care about this film? I sure as shite didn’t.

The C.G.I. is either amazing or bad, there is no in between.  The main character orcs all look good. Every extra orc in the background is mediorce looking at best. A lot of dead eyes and goofy tusks on them.  The computer locales are all translate well from the game world. Then you are thrown on a sound stage set and all the beauty of the world we were just shown is ruined. The worgs and griffons look good. The dwarves looked animated and why was that? The magical effects are all pretty silly, especially when Gul’Dan swallows souls. The golem monster in the tower is gods awful as well! The animated giant end melee is terrible looking. It is a real mixed bag of good and terrible computer animation and the lack of consistency is annoying.

Speaking of orcs, Garona is a mess. She is a practical effects creation in a sea of super heavy C.G.I. When she is with the humans it has a Orion slave girl feel. When she is with the orcs it is makes her look even worse against the sea of animated big muscly beasties. Plus her fang appliance was awful. It made her sound like she had a mouth full of marbles or had bit her tongue while she was talking. Nothing pulls you out of a scene faster than a heroic speech given with a quasi- Daffy Duck lisp. The perspective on her was not consistent. There were times when she looked taller that he humans and other times when she was eye to eye with them.

Bad plot, bad pacing, mediocre effects and no character to give a damn about; was there anything redeeming in this film?

Well……..maybe if you are so much super fan of the Warcraft franchise that you can overlook a ton of bad or a child. The 11 year old I went with thought it was amazing!

Still is there anything worthwhile in this movie?

They really did make a lot of the big location shots look like the game come to life. Durotan throwing his wolf pelt on looked spot on cool. Gul’Dan and Orgrim Doomhammer looked like you want them to look. The Alliance and Horde armor/weapons looked good as well. The score was descent. I think it was done by the Game o' Throne guys.

Ummm…..yeah. A few people/ places looked cool and the music was pretty. That is about all I took away as positive from this 2 hour turd.

Seriously the World of Warcraft game expansion cinematics look better, are more enjoyable and make more sense than this film. Go watch those and enjoy the Warcraft franchise that way and stay the Hell away from this movie!

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