Friday, March 6, 2015

Weekly schlock and awe movie time!

I did not expect much from a movie with the title Train besides associated railway travel.

No. I'm not really in for a ride.
A more subtle tag-line one cannot find.
An American wrestling team that is from America with American team members is in Europe wrestling non-Americans. After a meet the team goes out to party. This leads to them missing their train the next morning. However, they are able to hop aboard another train to get to their next wrestling competition. This is where everything goes to crap. See this is a special train that helps Europeans in need. How? Well they harvests organs and various body parts from Americans who ride this train. This quickly becomes a mash of gory surgical torture and survival horror.
I guess that Eastern Europe just really likes chopping up Americans for various reasons. They also like to torture the crap out of them before chopping them to bits, or needed transplant parts. I think it is always a bad idea to perform surgery by just ripping out eyes and hearts for transplant later. Yes it makes it more gross, but what about the tissue damage and aseptic technique? Duh! Plus it always a bad idea to pee-pee all over a potential organ donor after you have savagely beat him. I’m not sure what stage of surgery preparation that is. Yes there is a point of view pee-pee sequence. 

Actually, there might be some descent gore, but it is shot so dark. It does make it hard to see a lot of the gross, but we get just enough bloody bits. I’m not sure if the darkness is just for effect, bad filming or to cover some special effects short fall.

Seriously, these guys throw a wiz on dude. That just isn't sanitary or medically necessary.
Plus this is what all evil eastern Europeans look like. Keep a watchful eye. 

Need a new leg bone? No problem. Just grab some more travelling young adults!
The characters are all drek. There is no reason to care for the victims or root for the evil organ harvesters. Thora Birch is the heroine lead and wasn’t she supposed to be some future Hollywood star after American Beauty? Guess not.
I just found myself hoping for something so bonkers that it would turn this into a good-bad movie like Dead Alive or Evil Dead. Sadly, that never happened. The plot holes are huge and unforgiving. The characters are just blah. Blood and gore can sometimes carry a film, but not here.
Train is just a horrible mash-up of Hostel and Turistas. I might be dumber for watching it too.

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