Another Friday and another great film!

There are good movies and bad movies. Then there are the good-bad movies or some call them guilty pleasures or cult movies. Friday we sat down to eat pizza and watch a good-bad movie. Well instead of going to the well for a usual (Clash of Titans 1981, Flash Gordon, something Riddick/Vin Diesel related, Critters, Tremors, Evil Dead 2 etc.) we opted for the On Demand. I saw the Immortals was only like $4 and I remember it looking awful, but maybe it was the good kind of awful.

It was not!

This was some sort of 300 new Clash of the Titans mash-up and it was not a good one. The story is about Theseus, the guy who killed the minotaur in mythology, and some conflict with King Hyperion. It could also be billed as new Superman vs. Marv with some other stuft too!

Basically all I walked away with was that the Greek gods locked up the Titans in some sort of foozball table cube after defeating them. Hyperion needs Hank’s, the ranger from the D&D cartoon, bow to open the Titan cube. This will help him conquer the world or destroy it. I’m a bit fuzzy on this since the Titans will wipe everything out. That would include Hyperion and his army. So why is he wanting to let these guys free again?



Now if only Hyperion could find Presto's hat!

Luckily, Thesues (new Superman) will save the day by killing the non-minotaur minotaur, grabbing Hank’s bow, getting the virgin oracle (who might not have super soothsaying visions after some adult relations) in the sack cutting down some 100 odd minions and fighting Hyperion. Now he doesn’t do this all himself, but he really does. Along the way he hooks up with some random goons one of which was Deacon Frost from the first Blade movie. There is also some intervention by those pesky Greek gods who help and don’t help like is the case in this kind of film.

Just drop in a ball and start spinning those handles!

While all this is happening, Hyperion spends most of his time eating weird shelled crunchy fruit (or fish), brooding, talking like he has been a 4 pack a day smoker for years (or just being Mickey Rourke) and ending the lives of more lower level functionaries than Darth Vader on a bad day. He eventually leads a giant assault on some Helm’s Deep-ish wall that is also housing the Titans. There is the required large battle and climax of the film with a mass badly filmed melee, bullet time and pretty bad computer blood and gore.

"So thats what we are now! Crab people?" Sweet Dee Reyonds

I was really disappointed with this movie. Then again, I thought that I would be when we chose to watch it. The film itself is dark, bad lighting dark. The CGI world they build is just bland and it looks bad. Is this ancient Greece or some distant alien wasteland? I was never sure. The same can be said for the blood and guts of the movie. It was pretty much all CGI as, but it was about as good as a typical SyFy original movie.

Was there a redeeming quality? Well there are a ton of silly hats in this film. Only Conan the Barbarian (the good 1982 version) has a higher SH/M (Silly Hats per Minute) ratio. The difference is that movie is good, where the Immortals is not. If you feel like watch this, don’t! Just hook up an extra T.V. and DVD player. Then run 300 on one screen and the awful Clash of the Titans on the other. Sit between the screens and absorb it all. You get the same effect as watching Immortals without actually having to watch it.