Weekly schlock and future sports!

NO!

Is there anything better than a bad remake from a bad original movie?

Well actually….yes. There is a ton of stuff to watch that is better than an bad remake of a bad movie.

Let me rephrase that. What is better than a bad movie? An even worse remake!

I watched the 2002 Rollerball. Holy crap snacks was it “awesome!” By that I mean damn near unwatchable levels of bad.

1975. Rollerball is released. It covers a dystopian future where population control, politics and various minor world issues are solved by a violent game of roller derby/ hand hockey. See the teams of this sport are owned by giant corporations that somehow solve problems when their team, wins at Rollerball.  There is also a social commentary bit on sports/media violence and the masses. Added to is a bit of personal achievements being squashed by the big guy. This is set in the approaching year 2018.

Typical Rollerball team!
What is going on here?

Is the movie good? Not really. However, one can see what the movie was trying to achieve in a round about way. It still was a pretty bad movie.

Then along comes 2002 and the remake of Rollerball.
This movie makes the original look like a damn Oscar winning film.





The official synopsis of the film…
“Jonathan Cross, a lover of extreme sports, is recruited by Alexi Petrovich to star in his sportive invention, Rollerball. Jonathan accepts and learns the ropes of Rollerball: The players are on Rollerblades, trying to bring a heavy metal ball into a high goal. Also, there are motorcyclists around to bring momentum to the players. Oh yes, and there are no rules in the game. During his skyrocketing career, Jonathan has to experience what Alexi has found out – Blood brings more viewing pleasure to the audience. So, Alexi starts to bribe members of the different teams to cause more trouble than necessary on the field, and the viewers love it. Only a little later, Johnathan’s life is already in extreme danger as well as those of his friends and teammates. In a final game, Jonathan and his team have to fight for mere survival against their real opponent – their boss Alexi Petrovich.”

The fur coat just screams EVIL!

This makes total sense. By killing of players people will watch more rollerball. By people watching more rollerball, Alexi will get a U.S. television deal. This means more money for him and I guess that is what he is after. Jonathan finding out becomes a problem so he does tries to end him during the rollerball championship. Because killing players, let alone the star player for the entire rollerball community, is a good idea?

No. It is just dumb. Like this entire film.
This movie made my brain hurt.

Rollerball court or spastic hamster environment?

I have no idea how rollerball is played. It looks like a small figure eight track with a few ramps and a hamster tube and a quasi-jungle gym in the center. Two teams face-off while wearing uniforms that range from just a few pads, to rejected gimp costumes, circus outfits, medieval times rejects, various regional cultural attire and a ton of crazy helmets. The teams skate around hitting each other. There are motorcycles that drive in slow circular patterns. Then you hit a gong with a metal ball to score points. There are rules, but they never seem to be enforced or have anyone to enforce them. Players beat-up other players. The winner of rollerball is? The team to score more gong points?

No the winner is anyone who hasn’t seem this film.

Then there is the fact that watching the rollerball sequences is incredibly annoying to damn near seizure inducing. They are shot from various and stupid angles. You have no idea what is supposed to be happening. Let alone care what is happening.

Then there is the beyond dumb plot. Kill players to gain ratings. That is a bit of a stupid plan. If you kill enough players the surviors will probably not super enthusiastic about playing rollerball. Plus it might be difficult to recruit new talent as well. I would be skeptical to play rollerball if a large percentage of players have been killed while playing.

Even better is how the television ratings rise every time there is a death, fight or maiming during a game. How is that possible? People inherently know that a person is about to die or just died on the rollerball track, so they instantly tune in to watch? Every t.v. has some sort of global rollerball ratings box on it to track real time show ratings? What the frak is that all about. It is just so dumb!
All this to try and get a rollerball cable deal in the U.S.? Jean Reno doesn’t want a team there, just a cable deal? Dumb.

There is a night vision chase sequence for some idiot reason.

Then  you also throw in a bit about oppressed workers, some hackney political issue and a not love story between Jonathan and Rebecca Romijn’s character Aurora all thrown against a terrible mess of a film. The plot is unforgivable dumb. The acting is equally terrible. The actual game is beyond stupid to watch. Slipknot makes an appearance for some reason. Who is this movie even made for? Was it an attempt to get under eighteen males who want to see some unwatchable action sequence, like rollerblades, motorcycles, and Rebecca Romijn side boob?

Not sure exactly what that plastic is protecting? Bewb guards?

Even better this was directed by the dude that die Die Hard, Predator and Hunt for Red October. Three damn descent and fun movies. What the frak was he thinking or taking?

This movie is one of the worst films I have ever seen. I am actually dumber for watching it.

This face.
This face sums up how I felt after the viewing of this film.
DERP!