Thursday, March 10, 2016

Weekly schlock and snakes! Why'd it have to be snakes?

I never really wanted to see Lair of the White Worm. I knew of its existence. I remember the silly DVD cover art.  It was always with the horror movies, but I never bothered with it. However for some stupid reason it was on and being bored I watched it.

Boy do I wish I had found something better to do.

Alright away I go to the British Isles!

Scottish archaeologist Angus Flint (also the 12thDoctor Who) is doing some digging in the front yard of some house. He uncovers a giant reptilian skull.  Wow what a find!  Meanwhile, rich and fancy Lady Sylvia Marsh returns to her nearby mansion for some unknown reason. Now we jump to a party being thrown by Lord John D’Ampton. It is here that the legend of the D’Ampton Wurm is explained. A tale of some D’Ampton dude slaying a giant snake monster back in the day. It leads to a yearly party and such. Well how about that Angus Flint (12th Doctor) may have just discovered the remains and proof of this snake dragon monster!

Over the next few days/weeks the local populace beings to either disappear or begin acting strange. The reptile skull is stolen. The watch of a missing man  (father to one of the film’s two heroines) is found in a nearby cave. Sexy and psychedelic dreams begin to haunt the local ladies. Information of an ancient snake cult is also discovered. What does it all mean? Why I do even care?!

Acid spitting snake woman dislikes Jesus.

Well that Lady Sylvia Marsh is a follower of this D’Ampton Wurm who is actually some long thought dead pagan snake vampire god, Dionian. Now it is up to Lord D’Ampton, Angus the archaeologist and two locale ladies to solve the mystery of what is happening and not get killed by snake vampire Lady Sylvia and her cultist followers.


For a film full of: lesbianism, paganism, mystery, religion, archaeology, black humor, murder, monsters, nuns being raped, naked women, giant snakes, Boy Scouts being bitten on their hang down, bag pipes and stone dildos, I didn’t like it.

Lair of the White Worm is a campy horror comedy, but I found nothing funny or horrific about it. Maybe it was having to watch Hugh Grant that turned me away. Maybe it was just too much camp for me. Maybe it was that it was done by the guy who did Gothic, Tommy and Altered States ( I could never make it through any of those movies ). Sad to say that on paper I should really like this film. The whole elder god and cult followers is right in my wheel house. It sounded and felt like Lovercraftian tale, well until you get to the ponce of a hero, “comedy” and a moderate amount of titillation.

Heck this was based on a Bram Stoker story. If I would have known that going in too, it would have been even easier to stay away. Have you ever read Dracula? I did and man what a ponderous story that is. I can imagine the novel of Lair of the White Worm is even worse than the movie.

Enough already.

Lair of the White Worm is drek! It might be campy horror fun for some crowd, but not for me. A real shame since it had a ton of potential that was completely wasted.

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