4 scary bad remakes

There are certain movies that should never be remade and hopefully won't be. Then again there are classics that have been raped and pillaged in the name of re-imagining or updating. There are a quartet of films that are my classics and they have all been rebooted for gods know what reason. Well money is the main reason I guess since these films, dated as they are like all classics, did not need a reboot. The original Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre are disturbing and scary to many people, and after the reboots they fall into the category of bad at a frightful level.

Three of these films were done with the backing of Michael Bay and directed by two music video directors. That right there makes for a bad film before the first scene is shot. What is worse is that they are supposed to be scary and disturbing. The disturbing part is real, but the scare is just not there.

Worse is that they show have some level of scare or spook to them. The only scary part is how bad they are.

Friday the 13th's reboot was just a pile of bad. Where the original told a murderous tale of revenge, this does not. It has a bunch of ham and eggers doing the drunken party bit and then dying at the hands of Jason Voorhees. This is the typical template for a slasher film for sure. However, it is handled frightfully bad. The Jason in this movie is a hunter of humans. He catches them and keeps them chained up in his basement. What? Why did they go that route with Jason? The original Jason was a revenant, cold and inhuman. His motives were so evil and inhuman. He was an unstoppable bogeyman that just killed and killed and killed some more. All in the name of revenge against those that had wronged him or were just unlucky enough to cross his path . This movie doesn't add anything to the Jason Voorhees mythos. It also diminishes the unstoppable bogeyman archetype that he helped create in horror.

The reboot of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is set in Texas, has a chainsaw and a big run uses it as a weapon. This is where the similarity to the original and the remake really end. The original was like a grainy snuff film about a bunch of travelling teens who stumble upon a house of crazy cannibal killers. The remake is horrific contrivance. It is also directed by the shame guy that did the Friday the 13^th reboot, Marcus Nispel. At least he is perfect when it comes to awful.

There is the series of squelchy sound effects played loudly to try and startle. There is the snappy and jumpy MTV-ish editing that was popular in the music videos of late 90’s bands (also still a running theme in horror movies in the past decade and then some). This is not only annoying, but it has you bouncing and jump cutting from character to character. There is some gore, like there should be, but it does nothing for the story. The gross only helps to show the weaknesses of the this movie. What are those? Well a meandering, confusing plot that has characters and scenes that are all at once too many and too similar. Also throw in some government feeling anti-drug message, an abstinence message for the youth, way too much Jessica Biel (sure she is hot, but come one really?) and the overused “Sweet Home Alabama” just to add insult to injury. Finally, it moves away from the creepy house, truly messed up family and the cannibalism. What is left? The over produced and appallingly bad movie.

Nightmare on Elm Street's rehash was better than Elm Street part 6: Freddy's Dead, but that isn't saying anything really. The new Elm Street introduces Freddy Kruger as the pedo we all  know. However, instead of an already creepy Robert Englund, we get Jackie Earl Haley. The guy is barely taller than the kids he goes after. He doesn’t have that presence of size to be creepy let alone scary. He also tries to talk like he has been gargling broken glass for some reason. It comes off just awful, worse than the growling Christian Bale Batman/ John Connor. Haley's not helped by the horrible makeup, which is supposed to look more realistic as a burn victim. It fails and also robs him of any expression, and thus personality. The new Freddy is not scary; worse, he's not even interesting. He is just a short stack of awful.

The film even recreates some of the original films deaths and that just didn’t work real well either. You cannot top the Johnny Depp water bed death sequence from the original Nightmare on Elm Street. Best. Death. Ever! Remaking it is just painful. Even the first post coitus flipping around the room death scene is recreated. If you are going to reboot at least try something different, the copycat death scenes are just sad. We have seen better and in a much older film. This is a case of mo’ money does not make it mo’ better.

It is also difficult to overlook this film’s clueless direction. We get every shock and dream sequence telegraphed. It is impossible to miss. The best part of the original Elm Street was the drift between the real world and the dream world. The remake does not get this at all. You know every dream sequence because it is clearly defined and it ruins any suspense. This all makes for a gruesomely scary, but not really, scary movie. It is also directed by another music video guy, Samuel Bayer. He should stick to videos much like  Marcus Nispel. That way nobody would see their work, as music videos don’t really exist anymore. Seriously, how did these two guys get to direct these films? Then again, look to the producer and see his body of work. It makes total sense now.

Finally, we have Halloween. A horror movie which stands alone as awesome. However, even it was not safe from being remade, by Rob Zombie. What did he bring to the table? As a giant fan of horror, so he proclaims it had to some good stuff! Nope. He added a fleshed out back story for Michael Myers and.....well that was really it. Does anyone care that young Michael was bullied, had an affinity for masks, killed little animals, had a stripper mom, a drunkard dad, a bitchy older sister and a horrible home life? Nope. Actually, it hurts the movie by building a level of affinity for Michael Myers. We don’t need that. We are not supposed to cheer for him. He is the big bad. I guess that is his attempt to make the film his own, by making us care about the evil killer, instead of the people he is after. By the way, the teens and people he is after are all horrible and unrelateable. Well unless you are a vapid douche bag. The rest of the film is just a bad rehash of the events of the original.  What we really get is some gore, an less that spooky Michael Myers, a bland attempt at a retelling of the classic Halloween and all the personal actor buddies of Rob Zombie. It is not scary, but with the events and acting, it is unintentionally scary.

I will say it was the only reboot to get a sequel. I’m not sure why, but it garnered Halloween 2 and Rob Zombie was there for that as well. I do love me some Rob Zombie music, but his Halloween should never have been made. Finger of shame Rob Zombie. Finger of Shame!

These four movies are all horror movies. They should creep people out and frighten them. If loud noises and cheap scares frighten you, then yes these are scary movies. Instead of bringing scare they bring awfulness and horrible elements to the memory of classic horror films/ franchises. However, they should never have been remade. The only fear these produce, is fear of how awful they all are.