Friday, November 20, 2015

Weekly schlock and terrible time!

The TIVO is at it again. Thinking it knows what I enjoy it decided to record a film from last year called The Pyramid. I have no memory of this films occurrence, but since I was told by the mini SKYNET in my tele, I decided to give it a view.

The Pyramid Movie Poster

We open on Egypt in 2013. The country is rocked by violence. What does that matter? Well it doesn’t. However, in the desert waaaaayyyy outside of civilization (I think near Giza was where this was supposed to be located) a new pyramid has been discovered. Not only is it really old and buried deep within the sand, but it also has only three sides. No other pyramid has ever had only three sides.  Well the archaeological team decides it is time to go exploring!

They first send in a little robot to scurry about. That seems all well and good, but it gets destroyed by something. HOLY CRAP! What is in there! Honestly I don’t care as this has all the makings of a handy cam, jump scare found footage drek pile. Anyway, a team member has a hissy and wants his robot back. The rest of the team is being told they have to leave the excavation site soon due to the violence in the town they are nowhere near. This leads to the team of; scientist guy, his daughter, robot guy, on the scene reporter and her camera guy going into the pyramid when they are supposed to be leaving.
"Looks pretty stupid in there. I think we should leave."

Now it gets really bad, not only for them, but for me as well. The team falls through a trapped floor. Has a stone slab fall on robot guy’s leg. They are assaulted by ”evil” hairless cats. They of course get lost in a maze of tunnels. They set off a booby trap. The majority of the group of course dies off, but not before they discover the deal with this pyramid. Wait! They are also helped by the “evil” hairless cats near the end too!
Screenshot 2015-05-03 04.11.09
"Hairless pets. Weird."

See this pyramid was built to house Anubis, who of course, is still stalking around the place. He has been in here since whenever and is trying to get home or to the afterlife or to find his dad Osiris to fight him or something like that. It is a jumbled mess of stupid story. Anyway…he is grabbing anyone who stumbles down here to pull out their heart to use it to counterbalance the weight of a feather. See only the purest of souls can get to the afterlife and Anubis is not that. I always thought his job was different, but in this film it is a revenge scheme I guess. the survivors have to avoid him, hairless cats and a few pit falls to survive.

Even this version of Anubis looks better than what The Pyramid gives out.

Man oh man does this movie reek!

The plot is a mess once they decide to go into the pyramid. Evil attack cats that have been inbreeding and feeding  off one another since the pyramid was built. Only to have said evil cats become helpful near the end. What? How many felines were poured into this pyramid? The idea that the violence in a city would spill out into the middle of an archaeological dig in literally B.F.E. was just silly. The moment when/how/where the survivors discover the reason for this place is just dumb.
Well good thing there is a book down here to explain all this drek.
Then there is the ever popular camera work. Having the movie told through the lens of the camera man was abysmal. Curse you Hollywood for still holding onto the Blair Witch movie trope! Let it go already! Well no all the film is camera man view, there are some times when it shifts, but it doesn’t help the film at all.

Then there is the internal pyramid stuff. Here it is dark, dull and bland. Well it should be all that. It is the inside of a pyramid. This is a bit of a crux as this part of the film is exactly what it should be, but it sucks that is what it is. It should just be a bunch of stone, tunnels and dust. Wait that is all it really is. An almost redeeming quality to the film.  Wait, no it isn’t this movie still blows a lot of donkeys!

Ellen Ripley and an alien you are not! Stop this shot now!

Anubis and the cats are all bad C.G.I., like SyFy original film bad. The fact this wasn’t a SyFy original boggles my mind. The film reeks of those movies, well without the multi-headed shark or aggressive gigantic (insert animal here).
Seriously, this was released in the theaters? Really? Wow, it was!

TIVO does not know me at all and I’m thinking it only taped this to mess with me. Well it worked you semi-self-aware creation. You recorded this and I watched it. If not for you I never would have seen this movie. You win this round TIVO.
I should have listened to the archaeological dig site leaders and stayed away from this pyramid. Nothing good came out of exploring it.

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