HALLOWEEN MONTH 2016! Reboots again?

Alright another year, and I’m here to compare/contrast the ever prevalent list of horror re-makes.

I’m starting, with as always, a horror movie that I really love and that has gotten the re-boot. The 1982 classic (well in my eyes it is) Poltergeist.

Watching this horrible remake .
That is what I'm afraid of!

First off to whomever made this film did you ask yourself this question., "Are you better at films than Steven Spielberg, Frank Marshall and Tobe Hooper?"


If the answer is a resounding no, then stop what you are doing and walk away. This was not done before this film was made.

Deep breath………

A family having money troubles decides to buy a new house. This family of five (mom, dad, two daughters, son) soon realize that their house if a bit weird with random electrical issues. This strange house issue turns out to be worse when the family starts seeing creepy stuff, has inanimate objects move about, is attacked by floor zombies, gets a random tree beating and then has the closet eat their daughter. Holy crap snacks  the house is haunted and has eaten their little girl, Maddie.

Now the family must recruit some ghost hunters and a Scottish guy to deal with their haunted house. Plus they have to find a way to rescue their daughter who is caught in the walls and I guess survive from the onslaught of crazy ghost stuff.

Jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick! This movie was awful! Multiple levels of failure in this pile of turd.

The acting is abysmal. Nobody really seems to care about anything. The daughter, Maddie, just disappears and nobody is overly concerned. You would think they misplaced a wallet or phone instead of a child. The tree tries to eat their son and the same response. The mother and oldest daughter just kind of exist in the house and really don’t contribute anything. Does this family even like each other? They don’t really seem to care about the events happening to them. The paranormal investigators see crazy shit and just shrug it off as if it were normal. Did everyone just show up for a paycheck here? It sure seems like it.

Even better is the insane response to the events in the house. “We are broke and have financial issues.” Well good thing dad decides to go on a shopping spree to by stuff for everyone with his lack of money. What? “Oh, the floor zombie tried to eat you?” So what. Minutes later you are lounging around on the couch like it was no big deal. “A tree attacked our son.” Alright it dropped him and he will probably be fine. Let’s go inside now  and leave him to the elements. Chairs and objects fly across rooms by themselves and the investigators shrug it off like it is hoax. “Wait! A closet ate your arm and then a possessed drill tried to lobotomize you?” Well you should be flipping out or telling someone. Nope. I’ll just head downstairs and sit by the computer. Your son is afraid of everything, so we should put him in the creepiest room in the house that has a closet full of crazy clown dolls.

What is going on with these people? 

The acting is just so bad and the reacting to events is worse.

Get ready to see this kid being fake scared of EVERYTHING.

The scares are super cheap and super animated. If you love jump scares, loud noises and drek C.G.I., then this will be everything you love! There is only one suspenseful scene and that is the possessed drill and even then you can see it coming and know that the outcome won’t be what it is eluding too. This is only PG-13 after all. There is nothing disturbing or creepy going on in this film.

The house issues are never explained and the whole poltergeist bit is left out of the story. The movie is called poltergeist! At least mention the phenomenon to add to the narrative! Hell the end reveal about the house was just tossed out during the first half hour or so of the film. What was that about? Why the haunting was happening was tied to that bit. Well it was supposed to be.

Zelda Rubenstein’s’ medium is replaced with a  Scottish T.V. show ghost hunter, who may or may not be legit. Oh he also had a romantic relationship with the lead paranormal research lady that was eluded to and went nowhere for no reason. What is that about? When you are needing the gravitas of one Zelda Rubenstein to make the movie better, then something has gone horribly wrong!

Is there anyone else living in their neighborhood? You never seen anyone else around but this family. They live in Iowa and I guess Hollywood thinks that there are entire suburbs that are full of empty houses. Why is the daughter’s name Maddie and not Carol Ann? Why was that pointless change made? Why does this feel hurried and cheap? Wait! That’s because it is!

Is there any positive bit to this horrible remake?

That is a big nope on that front.

The original Poltergeist is dated as are the effects however, it is still a vastly superior film. The majority of the effects still work, and some actually look better than the computer spirits shown in the reboot (especially the closet world bit). The family cares for each other. They are noticeably shaken by the events in the film. You can see they care about what is going on around and to them. The house is haunted and we are not sure why until the end. The story is tight. The score is great. It was directed by Tobe Hooper. It was produced by Steven Spielberg. It is still a damn fine and enjoyable film. For a movie 30+ years older than the re-boot, it is hands down the superior ghost story/horror movie!

I will say that if you enjoy the yearly versions of Paranormal (insert name here), or one of the various clones of those film, then you will probably love the Poltergeist reboot and will hate the original film. If that is the case then gods have mercy on your soul.

Next Wednesday is the retelling of another personal favorite of mine……. Fright Night