Post-Halloween 2017

A refreshing week away from the cyberverse but now I'm back to ramble about stuff again.

First off it was another productive Halloween at our place this year. Sure it was a Tuesday night and cold, but that didn't stop all manner of kiddies from making it to our doorstep.

It was a Star Wars (well except for the boy who went as Jason Vorhees) year for Halloween. My wife went as Rey, the step-daughter went as a jawa and I was  non-descript Jedi.


Since I had Rey and jawa in house I fabricated a version of Rey's staff and an ion blaster for the jawa.
I grabbed a lightsaber for myself because I did not want to build my own and it would also serve as a cool prop for my mainly Star Wars themed game basement.

 

 

Happy Halloween!

Costumes done.

Candy bought.

Just waiting.


Who is the cutest little Jason ever?

Weekend plans!

This and only this!

"It Follows" a non-reboot horror movie review

….or the creepiest afterschool special ever!

“It Follows”

Open on a girl sprinting from her house and running about the neighborhood. Nothing is chasing her. She jumps in her car and drives away. Later she is at the beach and calling her dad sobbing.

Jump cut to her corpse on the beach the next day in a mangled contortionist position.

We are introduced to college student Jaime, or Jay as everyone calls her. She is prepping for a date with her man, Hugh. While on said movie date, Hugh sees some girl that Jay doesn’t see at all. He freaks and they decide to bail. This leads to driving around, dinner and parking lot sex. You know the stuff all college kids do. Well that is until Hugh doses Jay with chloroform.

 

Jay wakes up tied to a wheel chair in an abandoned building. Hugh is there frantically walking around with a flash light looking for someone. He explains that someone/something is following him. It started after he had sex with someone else. Now it will be after Jay. He tells her that this person/thing will constantly follow her. It will always know where she is too. However, it will only ever walk. He tells her to pass it on to someone else via sex as that is the only way to get rid of “it.” He also imparts that if it touches you it will kill you. Plus! If it kills her it will come after him again. Hugh knows a lot about all this now doesn’t he? Then we see a naked lady walking up toward the empty building. Hugh and Jay both see her. He repeats what he told Jay. They both freak out as the naked walking lady enters the room. They freak out as this silent nude approaches them both. They decide then it is the proper time to escape.

Jump to Hugh dumping Jay in the street outside of her house and driving away. Then the movie slows down a bit as it becomes the search for Hugh. Jay enlists her friends to try and find this Hugh guy. Nobody is following her. This all seems like crazy talk. A few days go by and Jay is in class. Out on the quad an elderly person in their underwear is walking toward her classroom. Nobody on campus notices this person. Jay freaks out and bails from class. The underpants person is still after her! Oh no looks like Hugh was right. Now Jay must figure out what to do and how to stop the “it” that is following her.

Halloween Reboot #4 The Mummy

This might be the hardest comparison this year. The original 1932 Mummy is so vastly different than the 2017 reboot. Cinematography, stunts, effects, lighting and everything else associated to a movie is advanced compared to the 1930’s. Still…a good story is a good story and good acting is good acting no matter what year it is.

“The Mummy”

 

PLOT

Nick and his buddy from “The New Girl” show are in the military as a two man recon unit. I guess this is a thing? Sure they scout bad guys, but they also use this time to hunt treasure and/or rob ancient ruins. Then they sell said treasure on the black market. While running for their lives from guns and explosions, they discover an ancient Egyptian crypt, that is not in Egypt. I wonder why that is? Of course it must be full of treasure!

 

As they are set to explore it they are suddenly saddled with a female archeologist, Jenny. Why well that is part of a grand scheme still to come. While searching they find a crazy sarcophagus. They remove it and then everything goes right down the crapper.

Nick’s buddy from “New Girl” dies from an ear bug incident. Crazy sandstorms. Flocks of crazy birds forcing a plane crash. Nick dies. You know all the stuff you expect from messing with a mummy.

Well of course Nick isn’t dead dead. He is resurrected because the mummy is a lady mummy and she has chosen him to hers. Her what? Well vessel to hold the god Set. Why? So she can destroy and rule the world. You know that old bit.

Now toss in a clandestine organization that knows, studies and fights monsters to the mix. An organization that Jenny is a part of and is run by no other than one Dr. Jekyll. Yeah that Dr. Jekyll. Whom of course wants to dissect said girl mummy and use her powers for whatever they can. You know that other old bit.

Now Nick must stop the mummy. Her legion on undead. Save London, because that is where the majority of the film seems to be. Stop or maybe help the machinations of the Dr. Jekyll organization. Get the girl? Maybe even save the soul of the dead guy from “New Girl” too. I wonder if he will accomplish all that?

"Raw" a non-reboot horror movie review

A screening at a Toronto Movie Festival supposedly had people fainting and vomiting. What movie could this be? Me interest is instantly peaked. I mean how often do people barf and faint at a horror movie now?

Well it is a film called Raw. It is a French-Belgium co-op film, where it is called “Grave” there. Hmmm…now I’ve gone from peaked interest to a bit skeptical. I think I smell pretentious artsy-fartsy French “horror” movie coming.

“Raw”

The film opens on a road with a person walking down the side. A car approaches and the person dives in front of it causing the car to swerve and wreck.

Now cut to a family of three eating lunch. They are all super vegans. Why well because mom loses her shit when a tiny piece of meat ends up in daughter Justine’s mashed potatoes. They have stopped for snack on the way to veterinary school (which is also next to a medical school ) where they just leave her and drive away. Best of luck kid. Mommy and daddy seem to not care about you.

Justine, and all the new students, are then rigors hazed. Cue horrible music, flashing lights, dancing, drinking and such. Well then cue an attempt at upper classmen messing with newbies too. Along the way we are introduced to Alexia, Justine’s older sister who is also attending the vet school, because why not. The film now turns into an attempt at hazing, class room work and free time where there is studying and such. Eventually, we get to a plot point. The plot point.

1st year vet student? Here be coated in animal blood and then eat a raw rabbit kidney.

She has the meat sweats!

It is a morning of messing with underclassmen. They are all made to line up and eat a raw rabbit kidney and then take a shot of something. Why? I have no idea what the significance is, but I’m also not a French vet school student. Justine won’t do it due to being ultra-vegan. Her sister calls her out and makes her do it. You know to save the embarrassment. Well this goes badly as Justine breaks out in a horrible rash. She then starts to crave animal meat. Oh no!

Well now the film gets even worse as Justine is having this change that causes her to hallucinate which causes a bunch of pretentious art house film shots and scenes. It all culminates in a night where her and her sister are drinking and then getting a Brazilian wax. Yeah older sister giving younger sister a Brazilian wax? Well waxing goes wrong. Scissors are needed. Justine jumps. Alexia cuts off a finger and passes out. Justine rushes around to save said finger and then eats it! Older sister wakes up to see younger sister eating finger.

(insert low hanging fruit joke about KFC here)
One of the scenes that made people puke I guess, A.K.A. the first real bit of "gore" in the movie.

Jump to next day and time for some sister bonding. Alexia takes Justine out to talk. This must be about the finger incident right? A walk down an empty road later and well anyone with even a few brain cells know what is going to happen. That’s right. Alexia jumps in front of a car and causes a wreck. She then starts to nibble on the passenger. Justine is appalled and walks back to school but not before taking off her shirt. You know when I’ve seen a horrible event I strip my top and go walk for a few miles.

The film now turns even more artsy-fartsy with scenes of Justine trying to deal with her new issue. A party where she is covered in paint. Trying to eat people and not eat people tripe. Bad music. We have numb walking. Fever dreams under the sheets. There is a sister on sister fight where they have to be restrained by the student s like animals on leashes….because the message being told in the film wasn’t obvious enough already. A pointless sex scene with her gay male roommate. Yeah forgot to mention that bit of strangeness. A male roommate in college? I guess in Europe it is no big deal.

Halloween Reboot #3 The Amityville Horror

Ugh!  I was and still am not a fan of the 1979 Amityville Horror. How will the 2005 be any easier to watch? Well seeing as this a Platinum Dunes (Michael Bay and buddies who have previously remade/ ruined Friday the 13^th, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Hitcher ) production I had my hopes set as low as possible.

PLOT

The movie starts with the murder of the DeFeo family by the husband Ronald. He shoots everyone. He then walks away only to be arrested and claims voices made him do it.

Then jump ahead a year and we meet the Lutz family (George, Kathy and three annoying kids per the movie trope) who is buying the house that the DeFeo murders took place. It was super cheap for some reason.

After the family moves into the house events start to occur. You the paranormal moving objects, door and window shenanigans, random drippy blood, noises and the like. Typical haunted house stuff. Then you have the daughter, Chelsea, befriending the ghost of the youngest dead DeFeo, Jodie. Jodie has Chelsea doing all sorts of crap to try and get her to kill herself so they can be afterlife buddies. This of course is troubling for the parents.

Speaking of parents, George begins to lose all his marbles while in the house. He is always cold. He lashes out verbally at the kids he loved and was caring to just days earlier. He begins to have horrible hallucinations of death people, blood, rituals and the like. He hates his dog who is constantly barking at the walls and boat house. He is nauseous. He has a luxurious beard growing as he loses his proverbial shit, thus making him look crazier and more and more like Ronald DeFeo.

"Ryan, can we get you to scowl more?
No. More scowl.
Yeah that's better! Now do that all film."

The wife/mom Kathy is trying to take all this in and seems to think this will pass. You know seeing your loving husband become a brooding abusive dick within a week of moving into a house isn’t troublesome or anything. Not to mention all the stupidity your daughter is doing trying to die to have a ghost friend. Even better when you look for help from a holy man and he is assaulted by house. Then the real kicker is that you discover that the house once belonged to  a crazy Reverend Jeremiah Ketcham who tortured Indians in the basement.

Creepy ghost preacher in the basement shot during music video-like sequence.
What did I just type?

Wait? He tortured Indians in the basement? Because why not? I mean who doesn’t have an indigenous culture torture dungeon in their basement right?

Anyway…

Kathy now has realized husband George must be possessed, right about the time he has decided to kill everyone in the house. You know just like the previous owner did. Even trying to do it at the exact same time 3:15 A.M. Kathy now has to save her family, stop George and survive undead Indian spirits. All within a calendar month.