Halloween Reboot #3 The Amityville Horror

Ugh!  I was and still am not a fan of the 1979 Amityville Horror. How will the 2005 be any easier to watch? Well seeing as this a Platinum Dunes (Michael Bay and buddies who have previously remade/ ruined Friday the 13^th, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Hitcher ) production I had my hopes set as low as possible.

PLOT

The movie starts with the murder of the DeFeo family by the husband Ronald. He shoots everyone. He then walks away only to be arrested and claims voices made him do it.

Then jump ahead a year and we meet the Lutz family (George, Kathy and three annoying kids per the movie trope) who is buying the house that the DeFeo murders took place. It was super cheap for some reason.

After the family moves into the house events start to occur. You the paranormal moving objects, door and window shenanigans, random drippy blood, noises and the like. Typical haunted house stuff. Then you have the daughter, Chelsea, befriending the ghost of the youngest dead DeFeo, Jodie. Jodie has Chelsea doing all sorts of crap to try and get her to kill herself so they can be afterlife buddies. This of course is troubling for the parents.

Speaking of parents, George begins to lose all his marbles while in the house. He is always cold. He lashes out verbally at the kids he loved and was caring to just days earlier. He begins to have horrible hallucinations of death people, blood, rituals and the like. He hates his dog who is constantly barking at the walls and boat house. He is nauseous. He has a luxurious beard growing as he loses his proverbial shit, thus making him look crazier and more and more like Ronald DeFeo.

"Ryan, can we get you to scowl more?
No. More scowl.
Yeah that's better! Now do that all film."

The wife/mom Kathy is trying to take all this in and seems to think this will pass. You know seeing your loving husband become a brooding abusive dick within a week of moving into a house isn’t troublesome or anything. Not to mention all the stupidity your daughter is doing trying to die to have a ghost friend. Even better when you look for help from a holy man and he is assaulted by house. Then the real kicker is that you discover that the house once belonged to  a crazy Reverend Jeremiah Ketcham who tortured Indians in the basement.

Creepy ghost preacher in the basement shot during music video-like sequence.
What did I just type?

Wait? He tortured Indians in the basement? Because why not? I mean who doesn’t have an indigenous culture torture dungeon in their basement right?

Anyway…

Kathy now has realized husband George must be possessed, right about the time he has decided to kill everyone in the house. You know just like the previous owner did. Even trying to do it at the exact same time 3:15 A.M. Kathy now has to save her family, stop George and survive undead Indian spirits. All within a calendar month.

THOUGHTS

This movie blows!

First it is full of the horrible stylistic choices and idea borrowing from Michael Bay and his Platinum Dune buddies. You have grainy film stock crime scene photos during the opening. A trick used during the Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot. The attempt to scare with sudden scary dead girl followed by a blast of loud noise. A undead girl who runs around the house looking like a Japanese kid ghost you expect from The Grudge or The Ring. A little girl who was washed of color to look even more like a kid from The Grudge or The Ring. A lot of jumpy/shaky editing that feels like it should feature in a NIN video from the late 90’s.

I need more of this crap?

If the haunting is caused by a mix of tortured Indian soul and the dead DeFeo family…then who are the other ghosts? Why are they here?

Who is this guy?

If the DeFeo family was all shot…then why was ghost Jodie hanging from the ceiling as a jump scare?

Did they have to axe murder the dog and then show it’s corpse? This is just cheap shock value and an unnecessary trope.

Worst babysitter ever in film. Sure she was super duper hot, but beyond horrible as a character.

George decides to make coffins for everyone? Why? What?

3:15 A.M.? Why? Was there supposed to be a significance? It is established that 3:15 A.M. was a time that affected Ronald DeFeo too. Why?

The based on a true story tagline is a drek move too. Especially if you look into the “real” story. The family names, house location are about the only similarities between the “true” story and this movie.

FINAL DECISION

Ugh! I’m just done.

There are so many bad issues going on in this film. It basically boils down that this is a movie that steals so many tropes from other films and novels.. If you want to do that then fine. However, if you are going to do that then make sure it is a damn fine story with good acting too.

Seriously, it isn’t like the original “Amyitville Horror” is a work of art. It is a ghost house story that fells like it borrowed a lot from “The Shining” the novel. Yes the movies released at differently, but The Shining (novel) was out before “The Amityville Horror” movie. George Lutz with an axe stalking around the house feels similar to Jack Torrence stalking around with a mallet both while family members go scurrying away. Plus, there are bad bits all over that movie too. It just is not that great either.

I do have to decide if the original is better.

Well….

Ummm…

They both suck. Still I’ll give the edge to the 1979 film and that is because of two bits.

First is that the house in the original was more of a character. It was creepy and haunted. The house in the remake here was just a house that had people and ghosts in it.

Second, they don’t kill the family dog!

“The Amityville Horror” 2005 is a steaming pile and should have been expected to be since it is a Platinum Dunes movie. They wrecked old school horror with these abysmal remakes.

Alright then! Now off to watch the Tom Cruise driven remake of “The Mummy.”